How to make amazing friendships
Lately, I’ve seen/heard several different women pose the question: how do I find like-minded, close friends?
This is a topic I feel rather drawn to… people focus a lot of time, energy and attention on finding an amazing romantic relationship; but having good friends is just as important in my opinion.
A supportive, encouraging, loving circle of close friends (sometimes just one or two is enough, other people like more) around you for both the good times and the bad is truly a joy and a blessing.
Some women find some really close, life-long friends very young, and that is fantastic. For them. But it can make others feel like we’re missing out.
My history with female friendships
After high school, I pretty much lost touch with most of my friends (except for the very occasional get-together or email). I made some friends through work. Nice women who I enjoyed chatting to, and occasionally we’d get together outside the office. A combination of my anxiety issues back then (I cancelled on people a lot!) and my lack of self-awareness (I didn’t really know who I was or what I felt passionate about, so how could I connect with like-minded souls?!) meant that I didn’t really have many friendships that lasted, or were that meaningful.
I remember saying to my husband several times in my mid/late-twenties: ‘I’ve got friends, but I don’t have any close friends, and I’m kind of lonely.’
I realised I was on the look out for some besties. Women I could talk to about literally anything, women I’d see/speak with regularly, women I’d know would be there for me through thick and thin; and vice versa.
Trouble is, how do you find people who’re going to become close friends?! I had no idea.
I started to put a lot more effort into (female, in particular) friendships and getting to know people (both at work and any occasion I met a female who was about my age and I liked). I’m quite introverted so I had to push myself out of my comfort zone to make conversation and get over my initial shyness.
I’m now very blessed: I have a lovely circle of female friends. Some I’m closer to than others. Some will last ‘til the end, others maybe not. The connection, support and fun these women bring to my life has enriched it, and I feel very blessed. I don’t forget how I used to feel, and so I don’t take these friendships for granted.
How to tell a friendship is going to be amazing
Having gone through a fair number of friends (including some fabulous ladies who didn’t stick but were a wonderful addition to my life for a time), I’ve realised that there’s three elements that make an amazing friendship:
Like-minded souls.
So this is someone who says “me too!” a lot. Someone who just “gets you”. Someone who sees the universe from a similar perspective. Someone who likes to do the same sorts of things as you. Over time, they become like family.
A really super-supportive person.
Sometimes, you’ll have a friend (or several) that sees the universe completely differently from you (so doesn’t fit into number 1, above) but is just an all-round kind and lovely person. They regularly ask you how you’re doing, they take an interest in you and your world, you know they’ll always be there for you when you need them. These are really kind, generous people and need to be on your ‘make an effort with’ list.
Good at keeping in touch.
Some friends are just rubbish at texting back. And that’s fine. But friendships take effort and keeping in touch regularly is essential, especially when you are going through something tough. During 2020, I caught the dreaded virus and I was unwell for several weeks…. and later on in the year, my 4-year-old nephew got leukaemia (he’s doing well but it’s been a tough time for my family, as you can imagine). On both occasions, I took note of the friends who checked in regularly, asked how I was doing, and offered support. I also noticed those who didn’t. I didn’t judge the latter, I just know that they are not necessarily the life-time friends I’m going to prioritise in my life.
If you find a friend who meets all 3 of the above: you are blessed.
Take care of that friendship because it’s very special indeed.
Maintaining amazing friendships
A bit like romantic relationships taking work (see my blog about that here), so do friendships! You need time together (even if only on the phone), and you both need to be good listeners and communicators. When something bothers you about your friend, find a way to discuss it in a constructive way.
If you’re lucky enough to have some amazing friends, when was the last time you did something really kind for them? Sent them a card, or a little gift, did them a favour, or treated them to a coffee? Show the people you love, that you love them!
If you’ve got friends who don’t fit into the above, who aren’t there for you, who never text back, never do kind things: then I’m here to tell you, you’re worthy of more! Maybe it’s time for a look at where you put your time, energy and effort.
A reason, a season, or a lifetime
I love this phrase! It sums up friendships brilliantly.
A reason: some friends come into your life for a reason. Perhaps you learn something from them. Or they’re there for you during a difficult time/or you them. Once that reason is over, you tend to both move on/drift apart.
A season: these friends might be around for a few months or years, and they’re good company but they’re not meant to be with you forever. It’s often only with hindsight sometimes that you realise this.
A lifetime: the life-timers are the ones who you just get on so well with, you know you’ll be friends for life. These are the friends who become family.
Help! All this is making me sad, I don’t have any close friends
Been there, done that! Here are some ways you could meet and connect with like-minded souls:
Who do you already know, that you’ve always felt drawn to, or just clicked with? Could you ask them if they fancy going for a drink sometime, or a walk, or a “girly” night?
Is there someone from your past that you miss? Above I mentioned I lost touch with most of my school friends, but a handful have come back into my life (for another season or hopefully lifetime!). Reach out to the friends you’ve drifted away from.
Join local clubs/groups. There are tonnes on Facebook. Perhaps it’s a group for Mums, or Writers, or Ramblers, or spiritual junkies. This is a great way to find friends who have something in common with you.
Ask your friends who have ‘lots of friends’ if they could introduce you or invite you along to a bigger gathering.
If needed: get some great charisma and small-talk skills, as that’s where it all starts! Learn to ask questions and take an interest in people.
Check out Bumble. I’ve never used it, but I have a friend who has. It’s a bit like a dating app, but a way to make friends. Just be careful when meeting strangers, of course!
Tell the universe that you want to attract some like-minded friends. The Law of Attraction is always at work, and if you keep thinking “I’m not good at making friends” - well guess what, you won’t be! If you think “I’m going to make a wonderful, close friend very soon” - it’s much more likely to happen.
Wishing you wonderful friendships x
Big shout out to my closest friends (you know who you are, cos I text you wayyy too often) xo